One of the great joys of childhood (along with spying—remember spying? You didn’t need a reason to spy, it was an end unto itself: “Wanna go spy?” Of course I do) was taking popular Christmas songs and replacing the lyrics with silly and occasionally bawdy lyrics. “Jingle Bells” became “Batman Smells,” and so on (take that, Batman). As we’ve grown into adults—or lusty man children, as the case may be—my friends and I still play this kind of game, but with our Christmas lists and activities that are more than just a little bawdy. Here they are, our x-rated X-mas lists:
Leave my browser alone
Sorry to start off on an imperative—one that is, in
Sex Tube fact, not all that sexy—but the guys and I agreed: stay the eff away from our computers. We’re allowed a fantasy life and we’re allowed privacy. If we’ve taken that extra step of hiding our porn from you (for whatever reason), please appreciate that fact and stop snooping for it. You won’t like what you find, anyhow.
Blowjob
So predictable, I know. But the key actually lies in its unpredictability: “I want one when I least expect it,” says my friend Jacques. “Maybe I’ll be doing the dishes, or brushing my teeth…I’d love it if she just dropped to her knees and performed oral sex right on the spot.”
Fetish night
This is the night where fantasies become realities…like Christmas, but with come. My friend Terrence has a way to break the ice on this one. “People, and NOT women especially, have problems unveiling their kink, especially early on. And I get it. ‘I want you to tie me up and tickle me with your bathrobe string’ is not an easy thing to say to a new BF. Previously, I’ve asked girls to write something on a piece of paper. We each write four or five fantasies down, crumple 'em up, and put them in a jar. When we wanna get especially frisky, we’ll pull one out. No one has ever been disappointed. Only excited. At very worst you will try something new.” I can testify that this is actually what Terrence does. He’s shown me his Naughty Jar. I read some of them while he was doing his laundry. They’re fun.
Anal
“This is a gift my wife and I give
Hot Adult to each other,” says my friend Arjun. “We both love it. And it’s true what they say (for me), it is better to give than to receive. But for my wife it’s the opposite. Now, here’s the thing, I like receiving too, once in a while. In fact, last year, my wife bought me a tiny toy to put up there. She doesn’t mind using her finger, but this frees her up to do other things.”
I wrote “Underoos” on purpose, because I want you to know that sexy underwear doesn’t have to “sexy” underwear. If you showed off a new pair of polka-dot cotton briefs, I would be way more thrilled and a fancy schmancy sheer thing with clasps and levers. My friend Jonathan is the opposite, “I want her to look like she stepped out of a Maxim photo shoot: the teddy, the garters, the whole thing.” Whatever his preference, a little “I’ve never seen that before” can add some sweetness to our Christmas candy.
That's our list. Why are there only eight items? It has more to do with my friends possessing jobs and having to get back and them than any kind of war-on-Christmas-type affairs, but I figure there's enough here for you to go on. Happy holidays. And may you get everything on your filthy little lists.
